Let’s Talk About The Hellish Madness Of Parents’ Morning Routines

Not a nice run, of course. An “oh-shit-I’m-late” pegging, slaloming through wheeley bins out for collection, limboing under bits of scaffolding carried by unimpressed workmen, sweating through the winter coat that was so necessary moments before, and getting home just in time to catch my breath before jumping into a Skype work meeting. If we lived 200 metres further from nursery, I would definitely have thrown up in a meeting by now. 

On the occasions I work in an office, I find myself sitting next to someone who’s had two and a half hours more sleep than me and a delightful morning where they actually achieved things. Me? I’m completely destroyed and I haven’t even done anything yet.

And remember I’ve only got one child who’s little – if/when we have another, Christ alive. I’m reliably informed that once children get old enough to be properly stubborn (and heavy enough that you can’t just chuck them over your shoulder, marching them to school in a fireman’s lift), it gets vastly harder. Climbing into the shower will be replaced with refusing to take a shower, or refusing to get out of bed, or just being a dick in that way so many 10-year-olds are.

[Read More: Why parents believe sending their kids to nursery in a care home is a game changer]

If Reese Witherspoon, Hollywood millionaire actor/producer Reese Witherspoon – whose youngest child is six and oldest is nearing 20 (so presumably takes care of herself) – still finds it enough of an arse-ache that she’s posting Batman memes, what hope do we have?

Pushing my daughter out the door an hour before nursery opens and telling her to make her own way there feels like underwhelming parenting. The solution is probably just accepting that it’s hard – and that even if I somehow become an incredibly successful Hollywood megastar (deeply unlikely given my unwashed status), it’ll still be hard.

I might buy a Batman costume, though. Can’t hurt.