Adult children cutting off parents as some blame therapy for family estrangements
“I hear it from both sides. I hear from parents who say, ‘My child said my therapist should cut you off,’ and people who’ve told me, ‘My therapist told me I should cut my parents off.’ How much it’s happening and when it’s appropriate and inappropriate is where the nuance comes in.”
Laura Wellington, a Connecticut mother who has been estranged from her adult daughter since 2024, also weighed in on the potential role therapists play in the growing divide.
“Therapy has sort of raised the bar of what is good enough parenting.”
What a parent views as legitimate criticism can sometimes be interpreted as emotional abuse by an adult child, according to Blake.
“Therapy has sort of raised the bar of what is good enough parenting,” he added. “There’s just a massive sort of overselling in therapy of how much your parents affected you.”
Wellington added that she has seen parents encouraged to apologize to their adult children. (iStock)
In some cases, Blake said, he will hear from parents that their children never told them the issue that led to them being cut off.
“They’ll say, ‘We were best friends. And then I got a letter saying, ‘never contact me ever again.’”
Blake emphasized, however, that it’s important for parents to listen if the adult child makes an attempt to communicate.
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“A frequent complaint that most adult children make is, ‘My parents just don’t listen. I cannot get through to them. It’s like talking to a brick wall,’” he said. “And that is a genuine frustration.”
“If you don’t listen to your child, then don’t be surprised if you have conflict with them.”
Blake recommended active listening techniques, such as allowing the other person to speak without interruption, repeating their concerns back to show understanding, and asking whether they have more to share before offering a response.
Blake emphasized that his concerns do not apply to all therapists, saying only a “small subset” may view cutting off family members as an appropriate response to conflict.
In situations involving ordinary family conflict rather than abuse, he cautioned that ending contact can have longer-term repercussions even if it initially brings relief.
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“It makes you feel good, but there are consequences afterwards — very serious consequences,” Blake said.
He also challenged the idea that the sole act of cutting off a parent will necessarily resolve underlying mental health struggles.
One expert challenged the idea that the sole act of cutting off a parent will necessarily resolve underlying mental health struggles. (iStock)
“This is the sort of myth that pervades in cutoff cultures, like, ‘I needed to cut my parents off to protect my mental health,’” he said. The assumption, he added, is: “My parents were the cause of my mental health issues, therefore cutting them out resolves that issue.”
Other experts have emphasized that people’s experiences with therapy during family estrangement can vary.
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Lucy Blake, Ph.D., a developmental psychologist in the U.K. who studies family estrangement, told the American Psychological Association that therapy can be “very helpful” in some cases.
“I think people can find therapy very helpful if their therapist has an understanding of estrangement, so some appreciation that it’s rarely one relationship that’s affected when there’s an estrangement,” she said.
“This is the sort of myth that pervades in cutoff cultures.”
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Therapy can also be beneficial when therapists understand underlying factors that can contribute to family estrangement, such as abuse or mental health challenges, the psychologist noted.
Blake has also heard from people who found therapy “very unhelpful,” particularly when they felt their therapist lacked warmth and validation or did not understand the “enormous impact” of estrangement and the grief and loss that can accompany it.
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Overall, Blake said therapy can be a “really helpful avenue of support” for some, while noting that researchers are “still really learning” what is helpful or unhelpful for people experiencing estrangement.
Finding a path forward
For families experiencing conflict, bringing in a neutral third party may be a better option when both sides are willing to participate, experts agree.
“Communication with a mediator, whether it’s a therapist or a professional mediator, can be really productive,” said Richard Blake.
Once a family member has already ended communication and asked not to be contacted, however, getting both sides into therapy may no longer be an option.
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“I certainly think it’s worth a try,” he said of mediation. “I know a lot of very good mediators out there who can help people.”
Wellington agreed that bringing parents and adult children into therapy together could be helpful, although both sides need to be willing to repair the relationship.
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She also added that differing beliefs do not necessarily have to end a relationship.
“You can have a different opinion,” she said. “You can also have a relationship with your parent who has the other opinion, and that’s OK.”
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Article source: https://www.foxnews.com/health/adult-children-cutting-off-parents-some-blame-therapy-family-estrangements