Cut off by your adult child? Psychology researcher reveals what parents should do next
To parents on the receiving end of this type of terminology, Blake’s first recommendation is not to immediately react.
“I tell adult parents to pause before they really react, because it’s understandably going to make them very angry.”
Taking time before responding can help keep the conversation from escalating and allow both sides to focus on the underlying conflict rather than reacting in the moment.
No. 4: Focus on specific behaviors and events
After pausing, Blake recommends asking the other person to explain specifically what they mean, going beyond broad labels to the behaviors underlying the complaint.
“Okay, you’ve used the word toxic – can you describe the behavior or behaviors that you consider to be toxic?” he asked as an example.
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Blake distinguished between describing a person’s behavior and its impact on you, and assigning that person a sweeping label.
“If someone says, ‘When you criticize my weight, I left dinner feeling really, really upset,’ that’s a fact. That’s the person’s interpretation,” he said.
Taking time before responding can help keep the conversation from escalating and allow both sides to focus on the underlying conflict rather than reacting in the moment. (iStock)
“But if you say, ‘You’re toxic because you always criticize me,’ it’s very difficult to come back from that. So it sort of inflames the situation.”
That approach shifts the conversation away from judgments about character and toward concrete actions and events that can actually be discussed.
No. 5: Use ‘I’ statements; avoid ‘always’ and ‘never’
When continued communication is appropriate, Blake suggested using language that focuses on a person’s own experience of a conflict rather than beginning with an accusation.
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“First, I would start by using ‘I’ statements, rather than ‘you,’” he advised. “It’d be like, ‘When you said this, I felt like this. When this happened, I did this.’”
This allows the person to discuss their own reaction to a specific interaction rather than beginning with an accusation.
When continued communication is appropriate, the expert suggested using language that focuses on a person’s own experience of a conflict rather than beginning with an accusation. (iStock)
Blake also recommends avoiding absolutes, such as “you always…” or “you never…” when trying to resolve a conflict.
In cases involving abuse, threats or other safety concerns, however, reconciliation or continued communication may not always be appropriate, he noted.
No guarantees
Although Blake maintains there is always hope for a reconciliation, he acknowledged that there is no single guaranteed formula for restoring a fractured relationship.
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While there are many people who are “selling” reconciliation services, Blake cautioned, “I don’t think anyone can promise, ‘I can get your kids back.’”
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The goal is to create better conditions for reconciliation, not to promise that specific actions can achieve it, he noted.
Ultimately, Blake’s advice is for the person to focus on things within their control, such as embracing healthy habits, aiming for stability and building a community.
Melissa Rudy is senior health editor and a member of the lifestyle team at Fox News Digital. Story tips can be sent to melissa.rudy@fox.com.
Article source: https://www.foxnews.com/health/cut-off-adult-child-psychology-researcher-reveals-what-parents-should-do-next